Autism and Sex
Now I’m going to be going at this from the perspective of someone who was assigned female at birth. However, there may be topics brought up that may be helpful to people who were assigned male. Also might be a good read for NT partners who want to better understand their partner’s possible issues with doing the do.
One of the main barriers autistic people (and most disabled people in general) have when it comes with sex ed is a lack of targeted information and resources. We are also infantilised and thought of as mostly sexless. When I tried to find resources to prepare myself to re-enter the world of sex I couldn’t find anything that could really help other than one article. Even when going to autistic organisations the only sex ed there was a pdf pamphlet for parents of autistic children that was vague as fuck. The world has the terrible habit of forgetting that autistic children become autistic teens and adults. So I’ve decided to compile my “research” (personal experience and by asking other autistic people) to write this article as a starting point.
Sensory Issues
Everyone on the spectrum has sensory issues of some kind. Some are hypersensitive to certain stimuli and others are hyposensitive. This doesn’t vanish when it comes to sex, in fact it could make the act more difficult for some. That is not something to be ashamed of either. Others may find sex to be a kind of stim (a behaviour that helps to self regulate). Like how every autistic person is different, there is no universal autistic experience when it comes to sex either. There may, however, be some overlap.
Touch:
Sex is an act all about touch, this can’t really be avoided. This can be the main cause of sensory overload for people on the spectrum. It can even lead to some of us going temporarily non-speaking in a type of shutdown, so be sure to make sure you and your partner have some sort of non-verbal signal to stop.
I have heard of AFAB autists who do not do well with clitoral stimulation and of AMAB ones who do not like the sensation of orgasming. It should also be made aware that if you have mental health issues and are on medication for it, it can make it harder to climax which can lead to over-stimulation if you are not careful.
An AFAB autist may be adverse to the feeling of semen on or in them. Its slimey and quite off putting if I do say so myself. There’s also a issue with gag-reflexes. Some autistic people may have overly sensitive ones that make oral an impossible task. Again, I know this from personal experience, I can’t even use a chewwy-stim tool without gagging.
Some of us may require some sort of sensory item near them to stim, even during the act. This is nothing to be embarrassed about. If you are one of these people, it might be worth finding some way to incorporate your stims into your sex life.
Sound:
Some of us find it hard to filter out sounds which can be especially awkward while doing the horizontal tango. Hearing the sounds of the bed creaking, the moans of your partner, hyper aware of your own and the wet slapping of sweaty skin meeting. It can be the opposite of arousing if you are not fond of the personal concert, distracting even. If you or your partner struggle with this, try curating a playlist together. It can be songs to “set the mood” (if you won’t laugh at the corniness of it all) or maybe some instrumental music or just ambient sounds. Whatever you find is best for you.
Smell:
Sometimes someone can be put off by certain smells, like stomach acid on your partner’s breath, the scent of sex itself or of privates. With these things come different solutions like mints or scented candles. Maybe you’re avoidant of oral due to the natural smell of a person and that’s okay. Communicate that boundary in a gentle manner, last thing you want to do is accidentally insult your partner.
Sight:
Some autistic people, like myself, have issues with light sensitivity. So you (or your partner) may be more inclined to be sexually active when the environment is dimmer/darker. Maybe try lighting candles or using a lamp that can be dimmed.
Eye-contact can also be an issue, either too much or too little depending on how you are. It’s important to talk to your partner about this as not to cause misunderstandings. If you are someone who is naturally prone to avoiding eye-contact, I find that hiding my face in my partner’s neck to be helpful. It’s still kind of intimate in a way.
If you have any sensory issues you want included on here, please feel free to comment them!
Masking
Masking is something typically done in social situations as a “survival tactic”. Its normally learnt subconsciously in childhood to blend in with our peers and avoid being bullied, to be perceived as NT. However, this can occur during sex and should be noticed and avoided as it can have some traumatic affects. If you catch you or your partner slipping into the mask, stop as it would not be safe to continue.
Communication
It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to set boundaries. But you have to be clear about these things. Sit each other down and discuss these things. I’m currently using an app called Kindu in order to let my partner what things I’d be okay with doing, however the app uses card decks once a day so its not an immediate thing.
As mentioned earlier, if you are someone who becomes non-speaking during sex, make sure you have signals in place to let them know when to stop, if you’re uncomfortable etc… Like maybe tapping on your partner’s shoulder, slapping their hand, patting the bed or headboard. Above all it has to be noticeable and non-violent.
General Sex Ed Resources
If you’re anything like me and didn’t get a decent overall sexual education, these links can come in real handy.
Sexplanations —Sexplanations is sexedutainment for the universe hosted by Dr. Lindsey Doe. The show is designed around the 4 minutes model of YouTube EDU to share incredible knowledge while inspiring the audience to stay curious. The most viewed episode is Vagina Toys, followed Pelvic Exam, Anal Sex, Masturbation, and Consent. The channel has covered over 365 topics and has reached over 190 nations. It’s in its seventh year and continuing shame-free, comprehensive efforts to educate on everything sex. Over 300 videos organised into subject specific playlists.
Melody Maia Monet — Videos about EVERYTHING in a transgender, lesbian, and asexual life that you would really like to know about, but are afraid to ask.
Hannah Witton — Talks about sex, disability and other sexual stuff
What’s My Body Doing — “What’s My Body Doing” is a web series hosted by Eva all about pleasure-inclusive sex-ed for the people traditional sex-ed leaves behind. On this channel you’ll find short videos that are anti-oppressive, sex-positive, and evidence-based. With a background in social psychology and currently pursuing a Masters, Eva has got the sex research to answer all of your questions.
Come Curious — We’re Florence and Reed. We’re two friends who share a passion for SEX. We love to talk about it and we’d like to share our conversation with you!
